The world's most beautiful loose object

Mark Steel: It's obvious whose fault it was that Diana died

Camilla has worked this out brilliantly. Not only has she got one of the best-paid jobs in the world for just the odd day's work, but she's been told, "This Friday, you must have the day off, is that understood?" So she gets off having to attend a memorial for a woman she couldn't stand. Instead she'll be at her estate in Aberdeen where, a source says, "She'll have to be so careful not to be spotted out shopping or with the slightest smile on her face." Nonsense. She should spend the day at Alton Towers. And she should time it so that during the minute's silence she's got her arms in the air and going "Wheeeeeee" on the water chute.

Now she won't have to sit through some dreadful service, full of minor nobles reading out lines specially composed for the occasion, such as, "O sweet Diana, You touched all our hearts when it mattered, And we all shed a tear at the manner, In which you were tragically splattered."